Will reckons my sponsorship deal with Billabong may not transpire after all. He says it’s much more likely that I’ll get picked up by Bongabill, the stoner surf shop. Sadly I think he may be right. But I’m gonna keep trying and when we hit Gisborne Nick is gonna be very proud to be associated with the new surfer chick in town when all his pro surf mates wonder who this amazing new talent is who’s rocked up to the reef. Probably literally rocked up on the reef more like, but gotta keep the dream alive…

We are now in Bangkok after flying here on Air Asia (which, by the way, is surely the best budget airline in the world…?) Weather a bit ropey but having a wonderful time. Staying at the rather lovely Chatrium Suites where Will got a fantastic lastminute.com deal which has enabled us to carry on celebrating the bday (bdays last for a week). And because they stuffed up our booking and tried to fob us off with twin beds, they then upgraded us to a mahoosive two bedroom suite with a huge lounge and kitchen area and two large bathrooms, river views and stunning setting. So, if anyone fancies a quick flight over to Thailand then you are more than welcome to kip at ours!!

Our first night in Bangkok I dreamt that Will got involved in a large drug deal and wanted us to try some of the finest Thai hard drugs. He agreed to purchase a gram of smack and a gram of cocaine from some rather seedy Thai underworld characters. When I raised some doubts and questioned him about the idea, he told me to relax and chill out and not worry about maybe spending the rest of our days eating bugs in the Bangkok Hilton. Thankfully it was just a dream. Don’t worry mum, the drug deal didn’t come off and we are still safely installed in our lovely Chatrium Suite.

First night we hit Khao San Rd which was as mad as ever. Then Yesterday we took a boat and the v efficient Sky Train into the centre of town and did a bit of shopping around the malls at Siam Square and then hit the weekend market at Chatuchak, where I purchased three rather lovely small T-shirts for the bargain price of 150 Baht (about 3 squid). Unfortunately with no changing facility at the market it’s a bit pot luck as to what you come away with and I may have slightly overlooked the size of one of my new tees. With much pulling and tugging I did manage to get it on, but it wasn’t a good look. Later in the evening Will stretched the T-shirt for me by trying it on himself (photo to follow – quite disturbing in a sort of early Take That Could It Be Magic? kind of a way). Yesterday we also got wonderful and cheap (300 Baht for both of us)dim sum in Chinatown for lunch and then eased ourselves into the afternoon with a relaxing Thai massage.

Today we have so far just been to the Myanmar embassy to start sorting our Visas for travel there in the next couple of days. Really interesting process – dusty old counters that look like they haven’t seen a cloth since 1986 to scramble your applications together on, old school style glue complete with dipping straw to stick your passport photos onto forms, broken chairs haphazardly thrown about the room everywhere and inquisitive interrogations from the officials (why do you want to go to Myanmar? How long are you going for? Have you been before? What do you do? What is the name of your company?). All as I guess one should expect. Fascinated to see what Myanmar itself is like if this is the state of a government office!! We now have to wait two days for our applications to be processed. Just about to book another Air Asia flight to get us there as you can only get across the borders by flying right now. I heart Air Asia.

xx

This is how lazy I have been

this laziness out of me.  The simplest task suddenly takes on a different dimension of difficulty and I end up paralysed into just doing nothing.  I have of course managed to continue to feed myself, order cocktails and a few other life sustaining activities.

In many ways a lot seems to have happened since my last post: involved in earthquake, trekked up active volcano and seen lovely flowing lava, camped in force 10 gale with no roof on tent, involved in boat based hit and run and subsequent pursuit by local mafia, been worryingly close to Komodo dragons and scariest of all I have survived the possible meltdown of my wife through the transition from 29 to 30.

I am happy to report that contradictory to expectations Jo achieved this transition with far greater ease than I achieved it and she was a joy to be around.  To ensure this happened I had to bring out the big guns and basically throw some money at retaining her sanity.  Regular massages throughout the day, lots of presents of clothes and jewellery and a flash hotel seemed to do the trick.  Although perhaps an expensive day I would say a worthwhile investment in retaining my wife’s sanity during this difficult transitional phase.

Now she is 30 she has already changed a great deal.  I am trying to convince her that twin set and pearls aren’t  needed all the time and it may be better to wear a bikini on the beach.  I have also tried to convince her that we can stay out past 9 o’clock and we don’t always need the cup of cocoa before bed.  We are soon heading to Cambodia to adopt a small child as she is also insisting that we should be parents by now and we can catch up by adopting a 3 year old and they are more fun at that age anyway.

Other than this I have had some personal tragedy that many of you will be saddened to hear about.  So soon after the sadness of my flip-flop loss just a few months ago I now have to tell you of the loss of a favourite t-shirt.  Its all just getting too much really.

I have had a lovely beige merino t-shirt for some time that was just starting to hit the really comfortable stage where it is no longer new but not worn out either.  I entrusted this t-shirt to the local laundry lady in Ubud to wash along with a few other items.  I briefed her in detail on the need to look after this t-shirt and that it was wool and delicate and must be handwashed and cared for with extra special attention.  She smiled and told me not to worry and that she would look after my old friend (well,  she smiled at least).  When I returned to collect my washing all looked well and the beautifully folded and clean smelling clothes were a joy to see.  Then it all went very very wrong.  As I held my old favourite up I saw the horror.  It was covered in a hideous mottled purple stain.  This purple stain strangely matched the purple of Jo’s cheap Indian trousers and I realised all my requests for delicate care and attention for my old friend had been callously ignored.  Having fought back the tears and just managing to hold it together I firstly blamed Jo for buying ridiculous cheap Indian clown trousers that had damaged my old friend and then gaining composure it was time to visit the laundry of destruction.  At this point I would like to claim temporary insanity caused by grief for the wanton harm and destruction inflicted on my old friend.

On returning to the laundry I requested that my old t-shirt friend was cleaned again by them and the stains must be removed.  I know, what was I thinking of, how could I place him back in their care again after they had demonstrated such cruelty already…but I did.  I can only blame myself.

They asked for 24 hours to put right their wrongs and told me not to worry and that my old friend would soon be back to his beige best.  How wrong they were.  Upon my return to collect him I knew all was not well.  They hung their heads in shame as they approached me.  Their apologies started and the tears started to well in all of our eyes as they took me to the battered and bruised body of my old friend.  They appear to have used a cleaning technique based on gathering a pack of rabid dogs, covering the item requiring cleaning in some sort of rabid dog pheromone, and then throwing the t-shirt into the middle of the pack.

Needless to say my old friend was barely recognisable and after they had finished treating him with harsh stain removing chemicals he was tattered and torn and threadbare and beyond repair or recovery.  Lost for words and with the tears welling up I grabbed the earthly shell of my t-shirt and took him home.  I haven’t managed to let go of the past yet and bury him and I think I will take him back to NZ to the Icebreaker factory from where he started and leave him there.

A sad day.

Koooooda (as the Aussies call it) smells of sick and is full of chavs. Quite eye-opening and is not as cool as I remember it being ten years ago. Went to the biggest girl’s surf shop in the world last night, Surfer Girl, where I affectionately remember purchasing just the best black Ogun sandals and some funky blue trousers last time around. Last night I had a very upsetting moment when I walked into the shop and looked around me at the racks and racks of pink and yellow tiny girly clothing. I felt SOOOO old suddenly, and couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to fit into ANYTHING they had on display. Nor could I actually believe that I had fitted into anything there ten years ago. Nor could I understand how I had felt compelled to buy anything there at all ten years ago, since it was all such a hideous mass of candy-coloured girly trash. I really felt very 30 suddenly. And then I walked through an archway in the shop and realised that I had in fact been standing in the 5-14 year old’s section for the last ten minutes.

I am in happy bliss right now though as we are sitting in Sky Lounge supping on mahoosive caramel lattes and they serve an Oreo cookie on the saucer. A bite of heaven just for a moment in the carnage of Koooooda.

Am off this afternoon for a surfing lesson. This should be funny as my body pop is absolutely awful and I am all out of practice not having done anything yogic with my body for quite some while. Hoping to get it together before we get to Gisborne, as lovely Lou and Nick got me surf lessons for my bday for when I arrive there. I’m counting on that Billabong sponsorship deal Blue Crush styley, so need to pull it out the bag. If all else fails I’ll concentrate my efforts on purchasing a nice bikini so that I at least look cool before I get into the water.

xoxo

ps: Thank you everyone for the beautiful and amazing bday presents and wishes. Mum, Lucy – my treatments were wonderful, thank you. xxxxxx

And thank you to Eve and Thomas for the beautiful fax which came through, it was sooooo cute. xx